SIN DISABLES PRAYER
MCF: If I have become aware of my soul and have thoughtfully begun to become aware of myself and God through meditation, what else could I do to deepen my prayer life?
TOA: Think of this castle, your soul, so beautiful and resplendent this Orient pearl, this tree of life, planted in the living waters of life. The Sun himself, Who has given it all its splendor and beauty, is there at the center of the soul and it is as capable of enjoying Him and is the crystal of reflecting the sun. But when the soul is overcome with sin, no thicker blackness exists.
I know of a person to whom Our Lord wished to show what a soul was like when it is overcome with sin. That person says that, if people could understand this, she thinks they would find it impossible to sin at all, and, rather than meet occasions of sin, would put themselves to the greatest trouble imaginable to avoid it. So she was very anxious that everyone should realize this. May you be no less anxious to pray earnestly to God for those who are in this state and who, with all their works, have become sheer darkness. For, just as all the streamlets that flow from a clear spring are as clear as the spring itself, so the works of a soul in grace are pleasing in the eyes both of God and of men, since they proceed from this spring of life, in which the soul is as a tree planted. It would give no shade and yield no fruit if it proceeded not thence, for the spring sustains it and prevents it from drying up and causes it to produce good fruit. When the soul, on the other hand, through its own fault, leaves this spring and becomes rooted in a pool of pitch-black, evil-smelling water, it produces nothing but misery and filth.
It should be noted here that it is not the spring, or the brilliant sun which is in the center of the soul, that loses its splendor and beauty, for they are always within it and nothing can take away their beauty. If a thick black cloth be placed over a crystal in the sunshine, however, it is clear that, although the sun may be shining upon it, its brightness will have no effect upon the crystal.
MCF: So when sin is cultivated and embraced in my life, God is not absent, but separated from me by that sin. I am also separated from my own soul, cut off from my own life by something that consumes my heart and mind. I cannot enjoy or know God, nor can I find him in the soil and fabric of my own life.
TOA: Learn to understand yourself and take pity on yourself! Surely, if you understand your own nature, it is impossible that you will not strive to remove the pitch which blackens the crystal? O Jesus! How sad it is to see a soul deprived of it! What a state the poor rooms of the castle are in! How distracted are the senses which inhabit them! And the faculties, which are their governors and butlers and stewards - how blind they are and how ill-controlled! And yet, after all, what kind of fruit can one expect to be borne by a tree rooted in sin? (I once heard a spiritual man say that he was not so much astonished at the things done by a soul caught in sin as at the things not done by it.)
The person to whom I referred earlier said the favor God had granted her had taught her two things: first, she had learned to have the greatest fear of offending Him, for which reason she continually begged Him not to allow her to fall, when she saw what legible consequences a fall could bring; secondly, she had found it a mirror of humility, for it had made her realize that any good thing we do has its source, not in ourselves but rather in that spring where this tree, which is the soul, is planted, and in that sun which sheds its radiance on our works.
HUMILITY FREES PRAYER
MCF: The shock of sin, then, is not so much from what is done, but by what is neglected. Sin confuses and hides my need of God. So the first remedy is praying for his strength and desire in overcoming and avoiding sin. Sin confuses and distorts how I see myself. The remedy is humility, in which I see God's goodness working through my life. Sin narrows my life into one or a few desires and keeps me from exploring God and knowing myself and experiencing life's fullness.
TOA: Yes, so in speaking of the soul we must always think of it as spacious, ample and lofty; and this can be done without the least exaggeration, for the soul's capacity is much greater than we can realize, and this Sun, Which is in the palace, reaches every part of it. It is very important that no soul which practices prayer, whether little or much, should be subjected to undue constraint or limitation. Since God has given it such dignity, it must be allowed to roam through these mansions - through those above, those below and those on either side.
It must not be compelled to remain for a long time in one single room - not, at least, unless it is in the room of self-knowledge. However high a state the soul may have attained, self-knowledge is incumbent upon it, and this it will never be able to neglect even should it so desire. Humility must always be doing its work like a bee making its honey in the hive: without humility all will be lost. Self-knowledge is so important that, even if you were raised right up to the heavens, I should like you never to relax your cultivation of it; so long as we are on this earth, nothing matters more to us than humility.
MCF: So sin crowds and limits my capacity in prayer. It shrinks my soul through inadequate self-knowledge. I do not see the grand landscape of my soul nor my God and Father who shines there. It all remains unseen when sin is "in my eyes." The grace of humility clears my eyesight.
TOA: Please remember that humility is not so much glancing around and saying: "Are people looking at me or not?" "If I take a certain path shall I come to any harm?" "Dare I begin such and such a task?" "Is it pride that is impelling me to do so?" "Can anyone as wretched as I engage in so lofty an exercise as prayer?" "Will people think better of me if I refrain from following the crowd?" Oh, God help us all! How many souls the devil must have ruined in this way! They think that all these misgivings, and many more that I could describe, arise from humility, whereas they really come from our lack of self-knowledge. We get a distorted idea of our own nature, and, if we never stop thinking about ourselves, I am not surprised if we experience these fears and others which are still worse. This seems to me to be the condition of a soul which, though not in a bad state, is so completely absorbed in things of the world and so deeply immersed in possessions or honors or business, that, although as a matter of fact it would like to gaze at the castle and enjoy its beauty, it is prevented from doing so, and seems quite unable to free itself from all these impediments. Everyone, however, who wishes to deepen their prayer life, will be well advised, as far as his state of life permits, to try to put aside all unnecessary affairs and business.
It is for this reason that I say we must set our eyes upon Christ our Good, from Whom we shall learn true humility. Our understanding, as I have said, will then be ennobled, and self-knowledge will not make us timorous and fearful. Let us realize that true perfection consists in the love of God and of our neighbor, and the more nearly perfect is our observance of these two commandments, the nearer to perfection we shall be. This mutual love is so important for us that I should like you never to forget it; for if the soul seeking perfection goes about looking for trifling faults in others (which sometimes may not be imperfections at all, though perhaps our ignorance may lead us to make the worst of them) it may lose its own peace of mind and perhaps disturb that of others. See, then, how costly
perfectionism is.
MCF: Humility is not self-consciousness nor self-loathing, but freedom from these things. But neither is humility merely going along with whatever seems important or urgent at the time. A person can be absorbed in themselves or in the business of other people and lose the self-knowledge that comes from humility. Above all, this humility is focused on Christ as Teacher and loving others enough to overlook their faults. Such freedom from humility opens to door to an unfettered prayer life with God.
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PRAYER AS SEEING AND LIVING FULLY
In thinking about prayer, Teresa brings up how sin can be a barrier. The main danger she emphasizes is the blinding force of such practices. Sin disables us from seeing our souls clearly as the our meeting place with God. Further, sin makes us unable to experience the God's light.
I am particularly struck by the idea that what is shocking about sin is not so much what is done, but what is neglected. A person overcome with sin becomes unable to see it for what it is and avoid it. He also loses his place in life, not knowing where he is or where he is going.
Humility is the opposite of this blindness. As we cultivate it, our life opens up as the soil in which a close-knit relationship with God can grow. Even our troubles and trials and weaknesses become meeting places with God. Also, humility brings a consciousness of God as Savior, Teacher, Lord, and Friend. Each of these aspects are seen clearly in Christ, the source of our understanding. Humility savors our need before him. Prayer exercises our power in him.
I see Teresa pointing to two forms of false humility. The first is the self-absorbed, self-questioning, self-condemning sort of humility. I know this one well and have been fooled by it. Something seems so compelling about it, except when I look at it from the outside. I would never allow anyone to speak to my wife or kids the way I speak to myself at times.
The other is the others-focused, fix-em-up, fault-finding, and yet people-pleasing sort of humility. This one masquerades as being "helpful" and "unselfish," but is really manipulative. The person thinks they are doing "all this" for everyone else, but would be annoyed if such "help" was forced on them. Trying to get people to like you or respect you is not humility.
I am once again impressed by the vastness of the soul prayer in Teresa's thinking. Prayer, in its fullness, encompasses and fills all of my life, all my soul, inward and outward, as is painted so well in Psalm 63:
O God, you are my God,
earnestly I seek you;
my soul thirsts for you,
my body longs for you,
in a dry and weary land
where there is no water.
I have seen you in the sanctuary
and beheld your power and your glory.
Because your love is better than life,
my lips will glorify you.
I will praise you as long as I live,
and in your name I will lift up my hands.
My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods;
with singing lips my mouth will praise you.
On my bed I remember you;
I think of you through the watches of the night.
Because you are my help,
I sing in the shadow of your wings.
My soul clings to you;
Your right hand upholds me.
If we are to be saved by the Word made flesh, it may be the first thing we need is a listening ear. If we are going to hear him, we may need enough silence to do so. Perhaps regeneration or new life comes through silence before God. In order to confess with our mouths and believe in our hearts in the Word, we need to be able to hear him first, even if only faintly.
This is the other side of the coin of listening. I do not stop by merely forgetting myself. I must continue on into attention to God. We are given this assurance: "Wait upon the Lord and he will renew your strength." Within the attentiveness to God is the grace he gives for us to hear him. Sometimes it is in the raw sense of his presence. Sometimes it is in a special circumstance that reassures us of his care. Others have been assured through visions, dreams, and angels. His strength will come to us.
This is one of the ways the Bible can help us. It is a great torrent of grace for the tranformation of the mind. It blocks fruitless thoughts and pours out new springs of thought and hope. Through reading, study, and praying the Bible I find myself in awe of God. Often awe is accompanied by profound silence.
