PRAYER BEGINS BY NOTICING THE SOUL
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TOA: A thought
occurred to me, a foundation on
which to build. I began to think of the
soul as if it were a castle made of a single diamond or of very clear crystal,
in which there are many rooms, just as in Heaven there are many mansions. Now if we think carefully over this, the soul
of the righteous man is nothing but a paradise, in which, as God tells us, He
takes His delight. For what do you think
a room will be like which is the delight of a King so mighty, so wise, so pure
and so full of all that is good? I can
find nothing with which to compare the great beauty of a soul and its great
capacity.
MCF: The beginning of
prayer is how we see our own soul? My
problem is that I do not understand my own soul?
TOA: It is no small
pity, and should cause us no little shame, that, through our own fault, we do
not understand ourselves, or know who we are. Is it not a sign of great ignorance, if a
person were asked who he was but had no idea who his father or his mother was,
or from what country he came? Though that is great ignorance, our own is incomparably
greater if we make no attempt to discover what we are, and only know that we
are living in these bodies, and have a vague idea, because we have heard it and
because our Faith tells us so, that we possess souls. As to what good qualities there may be in our
souls, or Who dwells within them, or how precious they are - those are things
which we seldom consider and so we trouble little about carefully preserving
the soul's beauty. All our interest is
centered in the rough setting of the diamond, and in the outer wall of the
castle - that is to say, in these bodies of ours.
MCF: True.
It is easy to focus on our bodies and our outward life and ignore the
soul and the inward life.
TOA: Let us now
imagine that this castle, as I have said, contains many mansions, some above,
others below, others at each side; and in the center and midst of them all is
the greatest mansion where the most secret things pass between God and the
soul. You must think over this comparison very carefully. Perhaps God will be pleased to use it to show
you something of the favors which He is pleased to grant to souls. It will be a great consolation to you to know
that such things are possible. Even if
you never receive any, you can still praise His great goodness. It does us no harm to think of the things laid
up for us in Heaven and of the joys of the blessed ones with him, but rather
makes us rejoice and strive to attain those joys ourselves. In the same way, it will do us no harm to
find that it is possible in this exile of ours for so great a God to commune
with such small and broken creatures. We
may love Him for His great goodness and boundless mercy.
PRAYER IS STOPPED BY ENVY AND THOUGHTLESSNESS
MCF: Can’t such thinking lead us to thinking that
some Christians are better than others or that God plays favorites? Is it fair that God would give some favors
he does not give to others in prayer?
TOA: I am sure that
anyone who finds it harmful to realize that it is possible for God to grant
such favors during this our exile must be greatly lacking in humility and in
love of his neighbor. With such love and
humility, how could we stop rejoicing that God should grant these favors to one
of our brethren, especially when this in no way hinders Him from granting such
favors to ourselves? How could we stop rejoicing
that His Majesty should bestow an understanding of His greatness upon any
person? He grants these favors, then,
not because those who receive them are holier than those who do not, but in
order that His greatness may be made known.
It may be said that these things seem impossible and that it
is better not to trip up those who are too weak to accept them. But less harm is done by the weak disbelieving
us than by our failing to edify those to whom God grants these favors. Those who receive such favors from God will
rejoice and will awaken others to a fresh love of Him Who grants such mercies,
according to the greatness of His power and majesty. They all know and believe that God grants
still greater proofs of His love. I am sure that, if anyone does not believe
this, she will never learn it by experience.
For God's will is that no bounds should be set to His works. Never do
such a thing, then, if the Lord does not lead you by this road.
MCF: I see that begrudging and doubting the great
things God can give through prayer and other means can often point to a lack of
love and humility. Not only that, but
that such doubting can inhibit a person from ever receiving such good things
from God. Would you say that I should never
try to do things by effort and experience that I cannot trust God to do in my
life because of his great love?
TOA: Yes, but now let
us return to our beautiful and delightful castle and see how we can enter it. I seem rather to be talking nonsense, for, if
this castle is the soul, there can clearly be no question of our entering it.
For we ourselves are the castle: and it would be absurd to tell someone to
enter a room when he was in it already! But you must understand that there are
many ways of "being" in a place. Many souls remain in the outer court
of the castle, which is the place occupied by the guards. They are not interested
in entering it and have no idea what there is in that wonderful place, or who
dwells in it, or even how many rooms it has.
A short time ago I was told by a very learned man that souls
without prayer are like people whose bodies or limbs are paralyzed: they
possess feet and hands but they cannot control them. In the same way, there are
souls so infirm and so accustomed to busying themselves with outside affairs
that nothing can be done for them, and it seems as though they are incapable of
entering within themselves at all. And although by nature they are so richly
endowed as to have the power of holding a conversation with none other than God
Himself, there is nothing that can be done for them. Unless they strive to
realize their miserable condition and to remedy it, they will be turned into
pillars of salt for not looking within themselves but only looking outwardly,
just as Lot's wife was because she looked back.
MEDITATION BRINGS THOUGHTFULNESS TO PRAYER
MCF: I love how you put that each person is
already present to God in his soul, but that there are many ways of “being” in
a place. In the same way a paralyzed
person also has hands and feet like a mobile person, but is unable to use
them. So conversation with God is our heritage
and is ours by nature, but when our attention is always elsewhere, we find
ourselves not really with God and paralyzed inwardly. What can be done about this condition?
TOA: As far as I can
understand, the door of entry into this castle is prayer and meditation: if it is prayer at all, it must be accompanied by
meditation. If a person does not think Whom he is addressing, and what he is
asking for, and who it is that is asking and of Whom he is asking it, I do not
consider that he is praying at all even though he be constantly moving his lips
or even thinking great thoughts. True, it is sometimes possible to pray without
paying heed to these things, but that is only because they have been thought
about previously. If a man is in the
habit of speaking to God's Majesty as he would speak to a slave, and never even
thinks about expressing himself properly, but merely utters the words that come
to his lips because he has learned them by heart through constant repetition, I
do not call that prayer at all - and God grant no Christian may ever speak to
Him so! At any rate, I hope in God that none of you will, for if we are accustomed
to talking about our interior matters, that is a good way of keeping oneself
from falling into such animal-like habits.
MCF: Thoughtless prayer can be so damaging and
misleading. As a habit, I see it can
keep a person from hearing God at all.
Such is the danger of mindless religion and dogmatic atheism. Really thinking about our “interior matters”
and about the meaning or prayer can save us from such habits?
TOA: Yes, but
remember that these paralyzed souls, unless the Lord Himself comes and commands
them to rise, are like the man who had lain beside the pool for thirty years:
they are unfortunate creatures and live in great peril. There are also other
souls, who do eventually enter the castle. These are very much absorbed in
worldly affairs, but their desires are good.
Sometimes, though infrequently, they commend themselves to Our Lord. They think about the state of their souls,
though not very carefully. As they are full
of a thousand preoccupations, they really pray only a few times a month, and as
a rule they are thinking all the time of their preoccupations, for they are very
much attached to them. Where their
treasure is, there is their heart also. From
time to time, however, they shake their minds free of them. It is a great thing that they should know
themselves well enough to realize that they are not going the right way to
reach the castle door. Eventually they enter the first rooms on the lowest
floor, but so many “reptiles” (that is, distractions, worries, and sins) get in with them that they
are unable to appreciate the beauty of the castle or to find any peace within
it. Still, they have done a good deal by entering at all.
MCF: Beginning in prayer starts with infrequent
stops and starts and may be somewhat dissatisfying or discouraging because of
preoccupations and sins that bother us.
Such a beginning is better than the paralysis and ignorance that come
from never starting at all. That is
great encouragement. I need to hear that
beginning is not always easy, but it is not God who opposes me.
I am encouraged to
begin with some thought about the “state of my soul.” Not just its ruined condition and need for
renovation, but about its nature, what it is made for. I think it tends to lie unused and unattended
to because I forget what it does: provide a dwelling place for God. Just because of this, my soul must be a great
place indeed, an inward place that surpasses the outward places I live in. Pondering such greatness within my life which
is given by God can move me into prayer.
I want to ponder the question, “What do you think a room will be like
which is the delight of a King so mighty, so wise, so pure and so full of all
that is good?”
Without such thought
my prayers may remain “just words.” Meditation
on God, his works, and his words are a great starting point for prayer because
it enables me to start seeing the reality of prayer, of who I am, and of the One
I am speaking with.
May God raise me from
my paralysis of bad habits and my thousand preoccupations into a life of prayer
so that the door to my soul might be cracked open, and the light of God spill
out.
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