Prayer and Love

Devotional Classics, Soren Kierkegaard, Excerpts from The Prayers of Keirkegaard

"When we wake up in the morning and turn our soul toward You - You are the first - You have loved us first; if I rise at dawn and at the same second turn my soul toward You in prayer, You are there ahead of me, You have loved me first. . . . And yet we always speak ungratefully as if You have loved us first only once." (p.107)

So true. When the scripture comes to mind, "We loved him because he first loved us," it is habitual to think of Christ's sacrifice on the cross only. I see that here Keirkegaard points to something far more expansive. "God is love" and so where he is love is. When he precedes me into all the situations of my life, he loves me first.

Practicing the presence of God becomes so much more than acknowledging God's existence or being aware he's watching me. I joke with my son, Nathan, using a quote from Monsters, Inc. where Roz, the scary admin, says to Mike Wazowski, the one-eyed sidekick, "I'm watching you, Wazowski; always watching." Fortunately, this is not how God makes himself present to me. He watches over me. (Ps.121)

Yet, I live in hiding at times. I forget that God comes to me loving me. I do not have to earn it or prove myself for it. I need only learn how to receive it. His love is comforting. His love is also painful. It hurts deeply to know I have spurned one who loves me so completely.

I suppose this is why I am tempted to complain about God at times. I want to paint him badly so that my disappointing him will not hurt so much. Usually a period of complaint and anger precedes my sins; a time where I justify my evil desires by saying that God orother people "deserve" my unfaithfulness or abuse.

When Christian was in the Valley of the Shadow of Death in The Pilgrim's Progress, he heard a voice that almost made him give up and turn back. The voice echoed in the walls of that pit, "God has abandoned you!" So often I find this very voice nearby when things are difficult. I find myself believing it sometimes - as evidenced by my actions of betrayal or abandonment.

God's love is first, however. I need only wait for the cloud to pass and the sun comes out clearly. Time and again I see his love come through, whether I wait for it or not. He is with me. And more. He loves me deeply.

My loving Lord, I add to the knowledge that you are always with me the knowledge that you have loved me first. It reminds me of a father who shamelessly ran to meet his mud-covered son who still smelled of the swine he had been with. Only because you love me first do I know I can come to you with everything I have. There is no proving myself, no pretending to be someone you might like, no denying that I do smell of sin. There is only your embrace and your joyful welcome, "My son has returned! My son has returned!" I am safe with you, Father, as with no other. I am amazed. Amen.

These days God's love has come upon me through confession. Kierkegaard reminds me that when I think of Him, it "should not remind us of what we have committed but of what You did forgive, not how we went astray but of how You did save us!" I have remained away from God in shame and not let him embrace and clean me on a number of occasions. But the pain of repentance is dwarfed by the pain of separation. How is it we can forget the goodness and love of God so easily when love is his first word to us at all times?