Recollection, the Mind at Rest: Entering Teresa's Fourth Mansion

So I'm thinking that the first four mansions that Teresa has in her Interior Castles might be summarized as follows:

• First mansion: Become aware of my soul and begin praying.
• Second mansion: Become aware of my sins, develop humility through reflection.
• Third mansion: Overcome sins, develop perseverance through surrender.
• Fourth mansion: Putting the mind at rest, expanding the heart/will through love.

None of these "moves" are done solo.  God's grace makes each possible.  None of these moves is purely passive.  Effort is essential.  The heavy work is done by God, but I must be ready and willing.

The fourth mansion begins with something Teresa calls a form of the "Prayer of Recollection."  From what I understand, this is the doorway to what she calls the "Prayer of Quiet," which is the main attraction of this mansion.  Such recollection or "gathering" in prayer prepares a place for the prayer of quiet to take place, like building a temple inside.  "The senses and all external things seem gradually to lose their hold on him, while the soul, on the other hand, regains its lost control. . . .  [These people] become markedly conscious that they are gradually retiring within themselves; anyone who experiences this will discover what I mean: I cannot explain it better."  (Teresa of Avila, St.; Peers, E. Allison (2010-10-07). Interior Castle (Kindle Locations 1137-8, 1156-8.))

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In such recollection, "we should contrive, not to use our reasoning powers, but to be intent upon discovering what the Lord is working in the soul."  (ibid, Kindle Locations 1166-1167.)  Although there is surrender of the will, this does not mean inactivity.  Prayer becomes more alive because we are in the presence of the King!  This is where we can enter into conversation with God, praying and listening, seeking and finding, so that we can discover what God is up to.

And what will we find?  We will find that "the person who does most is he who thinks least and desires to do least: what we have to do is to beg like poor and needy persons coming before a great and rich Emperor and then cast down our eyes in humble expectation."  (ibid, Kindle Locations 1174-1176.)  Too much effort brings more harm than good.  It awakens the mind into agitation.  It puts the focus on ourselves instead of on God, the one works in and through all.

I like her warning concerning thinking:

Let [your soul] try, without forcing itself or causing any turmoil, to put a stop to all discursive reasoning, yet not to suspend the understanding, nor to cease from all thought, though it is well for it to remember that it is in God's presence and Who this God is. If feeling this should lead it into a state of absorption [in His presence], well and good; but it should not try to understand what this state is, because that is a gift bestowed upon the will. The will, then, should be left to enjoy it, and should not labour except for uttering a few loving words, for although in such a case one may not be striving to cease from thought, such cessation often comes, though for a very short time."   (Kindle Locations 1198-1202.) (emphasis mine)

Recollection is the place where the mind can rest, so that the soul can call out to God in love.  Such love is what the Prayer of Quiet is made of. 

The Dangers of Being Right: Teresa's Third Mansion

Our outward comportment and behaviour may be better than theirs, but this, though good, is not the most important thing: there is no reason why we should expect everyone else to travel by our own road, and we should not attempt to point them to the spiritual path when perhaps we do not know what it is.  (Teresa of Avila, St.; Peers, E. Allison (2010-10-07). Interior Castle (Kindle Locations 923-925). Wilder Publications. Kindle Edition.)

In many ways, the discovery that I have done something right proves a greater danger than when I have been proved wrong.  Such goodness, when handled poorly, can lead into a false martyrdom and perfectionism.  By the grace of God and the guidance of Jesus, goodness and virtue can lead to further growth and closer relations with God.

One pitfall before a person who has overcome sin in his life is becoming a self-made martyr.  "They brood over their woes and make up their minds that they are suffering for God's sake, and thus never really understand that it is all due to their own imperfection."  (ibid, Kindle Locations 820-821) Wilder Publications. Kindle Edition.)  The blessing of security in the conscience that comes with a triumph over sin can lead to great disappointment at failures afterward.  Instead of gaining a clearer perception of myself, I blame other people and circumstances for my difficulties.  Humility shows itself as a "healing balm" when I learn to leave the world of prestige and comparison.  It's best to always consider myself a learner and novice, especially when there are triumphs in my life.

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This "martyrdom" is closely related to perfectionism.  With the benefit of practicing good and virtuous actions comes the idea of teaching others.  Although teaching is not in itself a bad thing at all, when it comes from restlessness and a desire for everyone else to "live as well-ordered a life as they do themselves"  (ibid, Kindle Locations 847-848), it often results in meddling and even self-righteousness.  The spiritual life becomes one in which I go and get from God so I can go and get other people to feel or to do certain things.  I look for consolations from God more than learning how to give in to his work and his ways.

Perfectionism does not grow, but gets more deeply entrenched in the comfortable ruts of what I think I'm good at or what other people think I'm good at.  Actually it is characterized by great fear and ends in depression.  True growth in Christ consists in the increase of love.  Looking for role models and instructors can help disarm perfectionism and deepen humility.

It is a great encouragement to see that things which we thought impossible are possible to others, and how easily these others do them. It makes us feel that we may emulate their flights and venture to fly ourselves, as the young birds do when their parents teach them; they are not yet ready for great flights but they gradually learn to imitate their parents.(ibid, Kindle Locations 912-915)

Ultimately the way out comes with love.  Both self-martyrdom and perfectionism have the quality of caution.  They carefully measure effort toward God for the sake of comparison or out of fear.

Their love is not yet ardent enough to overwhelm their reason. How I wish ours would make us dissatisfied with this habit of always serving God at a snail's pace! As long as we do that we shall never get to the end of the road. And as we seem to be walking along and getting fatigued all the time -- for, believe me, it is an exhausting road -- we shall be very lucky if we escape getting lost.  (ibid, Kindle Locations 862-864)

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Instead of joy, they find worry.  Instead of peace, alarm at every turn.  The consolations that come from God become the reward for duty instead of sign posts on the journey.  Blaming others becomes the primary way of dealing with suffering instead of closer kinship with Jesus.  The growth of virtue and goodness leads naturally to a great love of God and others.  It is this love that propels us ever deeper into prayer and leaving our desires behind.  Without this love, maintaining any virtue will prove impossible.

I am amused about writing about self-martyrdom and perfectionism.  Might I not be falling into this very trap by trying to explain it?  Certainly.  It is the spirit behind the thoughts and ideas and sentences that will prove them right or wrong.  I have already fallen into this trap on a number of occasions.  I speak from experience.  The question is: will I find the grace to leave it behind and move forward into God's great house, into his great love?  The grace is up to God.  The waiting and anticipating is up to me.

Lord, may I find patience at the door of your castle and not become restless.  May I find peace at your door and the generosity to allow others to come as you see fit.  Let my ways be encouragement to those close to me, especially as I find my place as a fellow student with them.  Amen.

Overcoming Prayer: Teresa's Third Mansion

It is really a perfect misery to be alive when we have always to be going about like men with enemies at their gates, who cannot lay aside their arms even when sleeping or eating, and are always afraid of being surprised by a breaching of their fortress in some weak spot. Oh, my Lord and my God! How canst Thou wish us to desire such a miserable life as that?

(Teresa of Avila, St.; Peers, E. Allison (2010-10-07). Interior Castle (Kindle Locations 729-731). Wilder Publications. Kindle Edition.)

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A great moment in the life of a disciple of Jesus is the moment of overcoming.  In that moment grace is found to be sufficient for more than mere forgiveness.  In that moment God's pity on my ruined life is not the top rung of the ladder of spiritual growth.  In that moment I find that God grants some security in this life and that spiritual dryness does not always have to lead to backsliding.

One of the greatest barriers for spiritual growth in my life is the suspicion that things will never get better and will always get harder.  The struggle against the "pet sins" in my life have seemed to be endless.  The simple reason is that I have returned to them instead of leaving them.  In order to get over this "hump," I have needed a few things.  First, I needed to know that it is possible in God's grace to overcome sins in my life.  Next, I have needed to move beyond the desire to change into some real plans and actions.  Finally, as I began to overcome, I have experienced and reflected on a "security of conscience," as Teresa calls it. In this security I am not always armed and fearing "the enemy at the gates," but able to look forward and ahead to what God has worked out next in my life.

I have also had to come to terms with spiritual dryness in my prayer life.  As long as I blame God or circumstances for this dryness, I fall back into other forms of comfort, even sinful ones.  I have had to admit that such dryness comes mostly from how I want to deepen my practice of prayer and relinquish sins in my life, but do not take the steps to do it.  Like the rich young man who came before Jesus, I hesitate to so what he asks.  Even when I have ventured to "try out" what is needed, I lack the patience to wait at the door of the King.  I think I deserve to be invited immediately in.  Really this dryness is a time when I will develop either humility or restlessness, depending on my attitude toward the Lord.

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Overcoming has not so much to do with the enemies outside, but the enemies within.  Although I must first want to overcome sins in my life, I must move beyond desire into intention and action.  An overcoming life will look different from one that does not even if the desires are similar.  Spiritual dryness tests such desire.  When trust moves my heart away from restlessness, I will find that God will give "peace and resignation to His will," even if prayers continue in dryness for a time.  Such peace will be more welcome than even great moments of prayer.

I must desire to move from struggle into God's security enough to take action with God in my life.  He will meet me there.  I must not mistake spiritual dryness for God's lack of concern and attention, but as a moment to be humble before him, waiting for his response and strength to endure.  God's overcoming grace will come.  My part is not to leave the door before it opens.  "Do not suppose God has any need of our works; what He needs is the resoluteness of our will."  (ibid, 790-791)

Lord, grant me the grace to be an over-comer, a permanent pillar in your temple worshiping and praising you.  Amen.

Planting for Prayer: Teresa's Second Mansion

Entering into the practice of prayer quickly brings me face to face with sin in my life.  Ignoring sin inevitably leaves my prayer life disabled and dark.  My understanding of God will be confused  at best because of the shroud that covers my mind.   "Although the Sun Himself, Who has given it all its splendour and beauty, is still there in the centre of the soul, it is as if He were not there for any participation which the soul has in Him, though it is as capable of enjoying Him as is the crystal of reflecting the sun."  (Teresa of Avila, St.; Peers, E. Allison (2010-10-07). Interior Castle (Kindle Locations 441-443). Wilder Publications. Kindle Edition.)  Denial of sin is one of the great diseases of the soul.  It is cured through a living knowledge of what we are, who we are, and what we fight.

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People are beautiful and well-built.  "In speaking of the soul we must always think of it as spacious, ample and lofty; and this can be done without the least exaggeration, for the soul's capacity is much greater than we can realize, and this Sun, Which is in the palace, reaches every part of it." We are built as a home for God.   The beauty and usefulness of each person as a dwelling for God cannot be overemphasized.  People are like trees planted by water.  We draw our life from outside of ourselves.  We are not self-sufficient.  We are made to work in cooperation with God.  As we move into prayer, we need to be drawing from God and his grace, a "spring of life. . . .  On the other hand, through its own fault, leaves this spring and becomes rooted in a pool of pitch-black, evil-smelling water, it produces nothing but misery and filth."  Because of this condition, people need pity.  God gives us pity.  Without pity, we cannot find grace.  Without God's grace, we cannot find prayer.  We are well-made.  We draw our life from outside ourselves.  We need pity to grow.  This is what we are.

Self-knowledge governed by God grows into humility.  We can never have enough humility.  We always need to return to the work of humility, taming the desires of the body, the desires for recognition, and pride in what I do.  We can only be lifted to the heights of prayer from the stable foundation of humility.  We must not take this task on ourselves.   "Although. . . it is through the abundant mercy of God that the soul studies to know itself, yet one can have too much of a good thing, as the saying goes, and believe me, we shall reach much greater heights of virtue by thinking upon the virtue of God than if we stay in our own little plot of ground and tie ourselves down to it completely."  Self-knowledge can only be found in knowing God.  Each person will only find who they are through humility.  We must return to the work of humility frequently.  The best place to find humility is in knowing God more and more.

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Pride blinds us to what and who are are.  Pride causes us to think that we are the center of the universe.  We are god.  We forget Who dwells in us, where we draw our life from, and our need for pity.  "What a state the poor rooms of [this soul] are in! How distracted are the senses which inhabit them! And the faculties, which are their governors and butlers and stewards -- how blind they are and how ill-controlled! And yet, after all, what kind of fruit can one expect to be borne by a tree rooted in the devil?"  Pride makes us into mere consumers needing to be entertained.

This seems to me to be the condition of a soul which, though not in a bad state, is so completely absorbed in things of the world and so deeply immersed, as I have said, in possessions or honours or business, that, although as a matter of fact it would like to gaze at the castle and enjoy its beauty, it is prevented from doing so, and seems quite unable to free itself from all these impediments.

 Finally, in our blindness, our love for God and other people grows cold.  We do not see our true neediness.  We do not see how knowing God will help us understand ourselves.  Pride is what we fight.

The beginning work of prayer lies in understanding how wonderful we are and yet how each person needs pity to grow.  Such understanding draws us into humility before God, the only place where we can truly know who God is and who we are.  Humility arms us against pride which destroys our life and soul through isolation from God and other people and blind self-destruction.  Praying to God begins this work and continues far beyond it.  Lord, open our eyes to you so that we might open our lives to you and dig deeply into conversation with you and real love for you.  Amen.

Conversing with Teresa: The Danger of Sin for Prayer

SIN DISABLES PRAYER

MCF:  If I have become aware of my soul and have thoughtfully begun to become aware of myself and God through meditation, what else could I do to deepen my prayer life?

TOA:  Think of this castle, your soul, so beautiful and resplendent this Orient pearl, this tree of life, planted in the living waters of life.  The Sun himself, Who has given it all its splendor and beauty, is there at the center of the soul and it is as capable of enjoying Him and is the crystal of reflecting the sun.  But when the soul is overcome with sin, no thicker blackness exists.

I know of a person to whom Our Lord wished to show what a soul was like when it is overcome with sin. That person says that, if people could understand this, she thinks they would find it impossible to sin at all, and, rather than meet occasions of sin, would put themselves to the greatest trouble imaginable to avoid it. So she was very anxious that everyone should realize this. May you be no less anxious to pray earnestly to God for those who are in this state and who, with all their works, have become sheer darkness. For, just as all the streamlets that flow from a clear spring are as clear as the spring itself, so the works of a soul in grace are pleasing in the eyes both of God and of men, since they proceed from this spring of life, in which the soul is as a tree planted. It would give no shade and yield no fruit if it proceeded not thence, for the spring sustains it and prevents it from drying up and causes it to produce good fruit. When the soul, on the other hand, through its own fault, leaves this spring and becomes rooted in a pool of pitch-black, evil-smelling water, it produces nothing but misery and filth.

It should be noted here that it is not the spring, or the brilliant sun which is in the center of the soul, that loses its splendor and beauty, for they are always within it and nothing can take away their beauty. If a thick black cloth be placed over a crystal in the sunshine, however, it is clear that, although the sun may be shining upon it, its brightness will have no effect upon the crystal.

MCF:  So when sin is cultivated and embraced in my life, God is not absent, but separated from me by that sin.  I am also separated from my own soul, cut off from my own life by something that consumes my heart and mind.  I cannot enjoy or know God, nor can I find him in the soil and fabric of my own life.

TOA:  Learn to understand yourself and take pity on yourself! Surely, if you understand your own nature, it is impossible that you will not strive to remove the pitch which blackens the crystal?  O Jesus! How sad it is to see a soul deprived of it! What a state the poor rooms of the castle are in! How distracted are the senses which inhabit them! And the faculties, which are their governors and butlers and stewards - how blind they are and how ill-controlled! And yet, after all, what kind of fruit can one expect to be borne by a tree rooted in sin?  (I once heard a spiritual man say that he was not so much astonished at the things done by a soul caught in sin as at the things not done by it.)

The person to whom I referred earlier said the favor God had granted her had taught her two things: first, she had learned to have the greatest fear of offending Him, for which reason she continually begged Him not to allow her to fall, when she saw what legible consequences a fall could bring; secondly, she had found it a mirror of humility, for it had made her realize that any good thing we do has its source, not in ourselves but rather in that spring where this tree, which is the soul, is planted, and in that sun which sheds its radiance on our works.

HUMILITY FREES PRAYER

MCF:  The shock of sin, then, is not so much from what is done, but by what is neglected.  Sin confuses and hides my need of God.  So the first remedy is praying for his strength and desire in overcoming and avoiding sin.  Sin confuses and distorts how I see myself.  The remedy is humility, in which I see God's goodness working through my life.  Sin narrows my life into one or a few desires and keeps me from exploring God and knowing myself and experiencing life's fullness.

TOA:  Yes, so in speaking of the soul we must always think of it as spacious, ample and lofty; and this can be done without the least exaggeration, for the soul's capacity is much greater than we can realize, and this Sun, Which is in the palace, reaches every part of it. It is very important that no soul which practices prayer, whether little or much, should be subjected to undue constraint or limitation. Since God has given it such dignity, it must be allowed to roam through these mansions - through those above, those below and those on either side.

It must not be compelled to remain for a long time in one single room - not, at least, unless it is in the room of self-knowledge.  However high a state the soul may have attained, self-knowledge is incumbent upon it, and this it will never be able to neglect even should it so desire. Humility must always be doing its work like a bee making its honey in the hive: without humility all will be lost.  Self-knowledge is so important that, even if you were raised right up to the heavens, I should like you never to relax your cultivation of it; so long as we are on this earth, nothing matters more to us than humility.

MCF:  So sin crowds and limits my capacity in prayer.  It shrinks my soul through inadequate self-knowledge.  I do not see the grand landscape of my soul nor my God and Father who shines there.  It all remains unseen when sin is "in my eyes."  The grace of humility clears my eyesight.

TOA:  Please remember that humility is not so much glancing around and saying: "Are people looking at me or not?" "If I take a certain path shall I come to any harm?" "Dare I begin such and such a task?" "Is it pride that is impelling me to do so?" "Can anyone as wretched as I engage in so lofty an exercise as prayer?" "Will people think better of me if I refrain from following the crowd?"  Oh, God help us all!  How many souls the devil must have ruined in this way! They think that all these misgivings, and many more that I could describe, arise from humility, whereas they really come from our lack of self-knowledge. We get a distorted idea of our own nature, and, if we never stop thinking about ourselves, I am not surprised if we experience these fears and others which are still worse.  This seems to me to be the condition of a soul which, though not in a bad state, is so completely absorbed in things of the world and so deeply immersed in possessions or honors or business, that, although as a matter of fact it would like to gaze at the castle and enjoy its beauty, it is prevented from doing so, and seems quite unable to free itself from all these impediments. Everyone, however, who wishes to deepen their prayer life, will be well advised, as far as his state of life permits, to try to put aside all unnecessary affairs and business.

It is for this reason that I say we must set our eyes upon Christ our Good, from Whom we shall learn true humility. Our understanding, as I have said, will then be ennobled, and self-knowledge will not make us timorous and fearful.  Let us realize that true perfection consists in the love of God and of our neighbor, and the more nearly perfect is our observance of these two commandments, the nearer to perfection we shall be.  This mutual love is so important for us that I should like you never to forget it; for if the soul seeking perfection goes about looking for trifling faults in others (which sometimes may not be imperfections at all, though perhaps our ignorance may lead us to make the worst of them) it may lose its own peace of mind and perhaps disturb that of others. See, then, how costly perfectionism is.

MCF:  Humility is not self-consciousness nor self-loathing, but freedom from these things.  But neither is humility merely going along with whatever seems important or urgent at the time.  A person can be absorbed in themselves or in the business of other people and lose the self-knowledge that comes from humility.  Above all, this humility is focused on Christ as Teacher and loving others enough to overlook their faults.  Such freedom from humility opens to door to an unfettered prayer life with God.

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PRAYER AS SEEING AND LIVING FULLY

In thinking about prayer, Teresa brings up how sin can be a barrier.  The main danger she emphasizes is the blinding force of such practices.  Sin disables us from seeing our souls clearly as the our meeting place with God.  Further, sin makes us unable to experience the God's light.

I am particularly struck by the idea that what is shocking about sin is not so much what is done, but what is neglected.  A person overcome with sin becomes unable to see it for what it is and avoid it.  He also loses his place in life, not knowing where he is or where he is going.

Humility is the opposite of this blindness.  As we cultivate it, our life opens up as the soil in which a close-knit relationship with God can grow.  Even our troubles and trials and weaknesses become meeting places with God.  Also, humility brings a consciousness of God as Savior, Teacher, Lord, and Friend.  Each of these aspects are seen clearly in Christ, the source of our understanding.  Humility savors our need before him.  Prayer exercises our power in him.

I see Teresa pointing to two forms of false humility.  The first is the self-absorbed, self-questioning, self-condemning sort of humility.  I know this one well and have been fooled by it.  Something seems so compelling about it, except when I look at it from the outside.  I would never allow anyone to speak to my wife or kids the way I speak to myself at times.

The other is the others-focused, fix-em-up, fault-finding, and yet people-pleasing sort of humility.  This one masquerades as being "helpful" and "unselfish," but is really manipulative.  The person thinks they are doing "all this" for everyone else, but would be annoyed if such "help" was forced on them.  Trying to get people to like you or respect you is not humility.

I am once again impressed by the vastness of the soul prayer in Teresa's thinking. Prayer, in its fullness, encompasses and fills all of my life, all my soul, inward and outward, as is painted so well in Psalm 63:

O God, you are my God,

earnestly I seek you;

my soul thirsts for you,

my body longs for you,

in a dry and weary land

where there is no water.

I have seen you in the sanctuary

and beheld your power and your glory.

Because your love is better than life,

my lips will glorify you.

I will praise you as long as I live,

and in your name I will lift up my hands.

My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods;

with singing lips my mouth will praise you.

On my bed I remember you;

I think of you through the watches of the night.

Because you are my help,

I sing in the shadow of your wings.

My soul clings to you;

Your right hand upholds me.

The Place of Prayer: Teresa's Picture of the Soul

THE WILLINGNESS TO RECEIVE

Prayer.  Why do I want to go there?  Prayer begins with a question.

Addressing God is an almost involuntary response for most people.  We see it in emergencies as well as in fits of anger or surprise.  God is addressed.  But we cannot call that prayer.  At best it is what is left over when prayer has been abandoned.

Will God hear the prayer of someone who only calls out when he almost cannot help it?  Of course.  But will that person hear God's answer?  Often not.  Why?  The reason that a person doesn't pray is the same reason why he can't hear God.  Our willingness to ask often reflects our willingness to receive.

It all comes to a question: Why pray?  Let's say that prayer opens the door to a wonderful new world and that the world is the one in which each of us is living right now.  Let's say that the joys and wonders of prayer are just behind the curtain of what we call "ordinary life" and it just takes our eyes some time to get used to it, like entering a dark room from a  lighted one.  Let's say this wonderful place is where all the most amazing people gather and have gathered for centuries to meet and be with the most delightful person of all.




GOD IS NOT FAR OFF

Where is this place?  Where is the door?  It is not far away.

Now what I am commanding you you today is not too difficult for you or beyond your reach.  It is not up in heaven, so that you have to ask, 'Who will ascend into heaven to get it and proclaim it to us so we may obey it?'  Nor is it beyond the sea, so that you have to ask, 'Who will cross the sea to get it and proclaim it to us so we may obey it?'  No, the word is very near you; it is in your mouth and in your heart so you may obey it.

See, I set before you today life and prosperity, death and destruction.  For I command you today to love the Lord your God, to walk in all his ways, and to keep his commands, decrees and laws;  then you will live and increase, and the Lord your God will bless you.  (Deuteronomy 30:12-16)

The place of prayer is at God's side.  The delight of prayer is in God's presence, his ways, and his words.  The place of prayer is also where we are at right now.  Like Jacob realized even as he was a fugitive from his own family sleeping on a rock pillow, "Surely the Lord is in this place, and I was not aware of it. . . .  How awesome is this place!  This is none other than the house of God; this is the gate of heaven."  (Genesis 28:16-17)

I have been describing our souls as a place.  It captures the "otherness" and vastness we sense about this deep part of ourselves.  Teresa of Avila uses this idea: "I began to think of the soul as if it were a castle made of a single diamond or of very clear crystal, in which there are many rooms, just as in Heaven there are many mansions."  Perhaps when the psalmist says, "My soul waits for God alone" (62:1), it waits as a room waits to be filled by an inhabitant.  Maybe Jesus shows not only the value, but the vastness of the soul when he says, "What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, yet be ruined in his soul?"  (Mark 8:36)

FINDING THE PLACE OF PRAYER

Maybe the wonder and joy of prayer lies in what it cures, the most basic human illness: loneliness.  Nothing is more lonely than an empty soul.  It is lost and wandering.  It lies in ruin awaiting reconstruction.  Only the living God can satisfy or fill this place called the soul.  Only the God who comes to us can rebuild the soul-castle we inhabit.

We tend to think that we have to invite God into our souls as if he is not already there.  God is everywhere and most of all in our souls.  He is not absent.  He has not abandoned us.  Somehow we have been taught that he is far away.  No, our souls are not empty of God.  He is there waiting for us.  No, our souls are empty places because we do not inhabit them.

I seem rather to be talking nonsense, for, if this castle is the soul, there can clearly be no question of our entering it. For we ourselves are the castle: and it would be absurd to tell someone to enter a room when he was in it already! But you must understand that there are many ways of "being" in a place. Many souls remain in the outer court of the castle.  (Teresa of Avila, Interior Castle)

 The question that comes with prayer is the question of whether I want to relate to God in the context of my soul.  Loving God at a distance is a popular notion.  God is fine if he remains "out there" or "over there."  However, conversing and relating to him in the confines of our own soul can be difficult and even threatening.  Since God inhabits the human soul, we often vacate it, trying to escape intimacy with him.  As a result, our lives are fractured and confused or lived merely in the context of things that are visible and passing away.

For myself, I find that prayer does not begin so much with my great desire to be with God, but my great fear of being alone.  The yawning chasm of my nothingness drives me to his arms.  His eager reception makes running to him easier.  It makes praying possible.

I am slow to trust God, though.  Many things promise to take away the pain of an empty soul, but they take more than they give.  Worst of all, they keep me from entering into a conversational relationship with God.  They choke out all meaningful interactions with God, leaving me with God at a distance and my body as my sole source of energy and meaning.  It is pain that drives me into such distractions and sins, but it can also drive me into God's arms.  The pain is a soul empty of companionship.  What will fill it?

Lord, for some reason I fear coming close to you.  I fear what you might ask me to do.  I fear what I might need to face.  I fear, I fear.  But I find outside the walls of such companionship it is cold and lonely.  Let my pain overcome my fear.  Most of all, increase the anticipation of your goodness and kindness in my mind and in my heart.  From those teach me how to ask of you, how to pray.  Amen.

Do you think that your willingness to receive is connected to your willingness to ask?  Is it possible that your trouble with praying comes from a fear of intimacy with God?  Instead of pain driving you into distractions and sin, could you use it to drive you to God and his kindness?

Conversing with Teresa of Avila: Thoughtful Prayer

PRAYER BEGINS BY NOTICING THE SOUL

MCF: Teresa, I long to pray and I know I need to learn many things.  Can you show me how to pray?

TOA:  A thought occurred to me, a foundation on which to build.  I began to think of the soul as if it were a castle made of a single diamond or of very clear crystal, in which there are many rooms, just as in Heaven there are many mansions.  Now if we think carefully over this, the soul of the righteous man is nothing but a paradise, in which, as God tells us, He takes His delight.  For what do you think a room will be like which is the delight of a King so mighty, so wise, so pure and so full of all that is good?  I can find nothing with which to compare the great beauty of a soul and its great capacity.

MCF: The beginning of prayer is how we see our own soul?  My problem is that I do not understand my own soul?

TOA:  It is no small pity, and should cause us no little shame, that, through our own fault, we do not understand ourselves, or know who we are.  Is it not a sign of great ignorance, if a person were asked who he was but had no idea who his father or his mother was, or from what country he came? Though that is great ignorance, our own is incomparably greater if we make no attempt to discover what we are, and only know that we are living in these bodies, and have a vague idea, because we have heard it and because our Faith tells us so, that we possess souls.  As to what good qualities there may be in our souls, or Who dwells within them, or how precious they are - those are things which we seldom consider and so we trouble little about carefully preserving the soul's beauty.  All our interest is centered in the rough setting of the diamond, and in the outer wall of the castle - that is to say, in these bodies of ours.

MCF:  True.  It is easy to focus on our bodies and our outward life and ignore the soul and the inward life.

TOA:  Let us now imagine that this castle, as I have said, contains many mansions, some above, others below, others at each side; and in the center and midst of them all is the greatest mansion where the most secret things pass between God and the soul. You must think over this comparison very carefully.  Perhaps God will be pleased to use it to show you something of the favors which He is pleased to grant to souls.  It will be a great consolation to you to know that such things are possible.  Even if you never receive any, you can still praise His great goodness.  It does us no harm to think of the things laid up for us in Heaven and of the joys of the blessed ones with him, but rather makes us rejoice and strive to attain those joys ourselves.  In the same way, it will do us no harm to find that it is possible in this exile of ours for so great a God to commune with such small and broken creatures.  We may love Him for His great goodness and boundless mercy.

PRAYER IS STOPPED BY ENVY AND THOUGHTLESSNESS

MCF:  Can’t such thinking lead us to thinking that some Christians are better than others or that God plays favorites?   Is it fair that God would give some favors he does not give to others in prayer?

TOA:  I am sure that anyone who finds it harmful to realize that it is possible for God to grant such favors during this our exile must be greatly lacking in humility and in love of his neighbor.  With such love and humility, how could we stop rejoicing that God should grant these favors to one of our brethren, especially when this in no way hinders Him from granting such favors to ourselves?  How could we stop rejoicing that His Majesty should bestow an understanding of His greatness upon any person?  He grants these favors, then, not because those who receive them are holier than those who do not, but in order that His greatness may be made known.

It may be said that these things seem impossible and that it is better not to trip up those who are too weak to accept them.  But less harm is done by the weak disbelieving us than by our failing to edify those to whom God grants these favors.  Those who receive such favors from God will rejoice and will awaken others to a fresh love of Him Who grants such mercies, according to the greatness of His power and majesty.  They all know and believe that God grants still greater proofs of His love. I am sure that, if anyone does not believe this, she will never learn it by experience.  For God's will is that no bounds should be set to His works. Never do such a thing, then, if the Lord does not lead you by this road.

MCF:  I see that begrudging and doubting the great things God can give through prayer and other means can often point to a lack of love and humility.  Not only that, but that such doubting can inhibit a person from ever receiving such good things from God.  Would you say that I should never try to do things by effort and experience that I cannot trust God to do in my life because of his great love?

TOA:  Yes, but now let us return to our beautiful and delightful castle and see how we can enter it.  I seem rather to be talking nonsense, for, if this castle is the soul, there can clearly be no question of our entering it. For we ourselves are the castle: and it would be absurd to tell someone to enter a room when he was in it already! But you must understand that there are many ways of "being" in a place. Many souls remain in the outer court of the castle, which is the place occupied by the guards. They are not interested in entering it and have no idea what there is in that wonderful place, or who dwells in it, or even how many rooms it has.

A short time ago I was told by a very learned man that souls without prayer are like people whose bodies or limbs are paralyzed: they possess feet and hands but they cannot control them. In the same way, there are souls so infirm and so accustomed to busying themselves with outside affairs that nothing can be done for them, and it seems as though they are incapable of entering within themselves at all.   And although by nature they are so richly endowed as to have the power of holding a conversation with none other than God Himself, there is nothing that can be done for them. Unless they strive to realize their miserable condition and to remedy it, they will be turned into pillars of salt for not looking within themselves but only looking outwardly, just as Lot's wife was because she looked back.

MEDITATION BRINGS THOUGHTFULNESS TO PRAYER

MCF:  I love how you put that each person is already present to God in his soul, but that there are many ways of “being” in a place.  In the same way a paralyzed person also has hands and feet like a mobile person, but is unable to use them.  So conversation with God is our heritage and is ours by nature, but when our attention is always elsewhere, we find ourselves not really with God and paralyzed inwardly.  What can be done about this condition?

TOA:  As far as I can understand, the door of entry into this castle is prayer and meditation: if it is prayer at all, it must be accompanied by meditation. If a person does not think Whom he is addressing, and what he is asking for, and who it is that is asking and of Whom he is asking it, I do not consider that he is praying at all even though he be constantly moving his lips or even thinking great thoughts. True, it is sometimes possible to pray without paying heed to these things, but that is only because they have been thought about previously.  If a man is in the habit of speaking to God's Majesty as he would speak to a slave, and never even thinks about expressing himself properly, but merely utters the words that come to his lips because he has learned them by heart through constant repetition, I do not call that prayer at all - and God grant no Christian may ever speak to Him so! At any rate, I hope in God that none of you will, for if we are accustomed to talking about our interior matters, that is a good way of keeping oneself from falling into such animal-like habits.

MCF:  Thoughtless prayer can be so damaging and misleading.  As a habit, I see it can keep a person from hearing God at all.  Such is the danger of mindless religion and dogmatic atheism.  Really thinking about our “interior matters” and about the meaning or prayer can save us from such habits?

TOA:  Yes, but remember that these paralyzed souls, unless the Lord Himself comes and commands them to rise, are like the man who had lain beside the pool for thirty years: they are unfortunate creatures and live in great peril. There are also other souls, who do eventually enter the castle. These are very much absorbed in worldly affairs, but their desires are good.  Sometimes, though infrequently, they commend themselves to Our Lord.  They think about the state of their souls, though not very carefully.  As they are full of a thousand preoccupations, they really pray only a few times a month, and as a rule they are thinking all the time of their preoccupations, for they are very much attached to them.  Where their treasure is, there is their heart also.  From time to time, however, they shake their minds free of them.  It is a great thing that they should know themselves well enough to realize that they are not going the right way to reach the castle door. Eventually they enter the first rooms on the lowest floor, but so many “reptiles” (that is, distractions, worries, and sins) get in with them that they are unable to appreciate the beauty of the castle or to find any peace within it. Still, they have done a good deal by entering at all.

MCF:  Beginning in prayer starts with infrequent stops and starts and may be somewhat dissatisfying or discouraging because of preoccupations and sins that bother us.  Such a beginning is better than the paralysis and ignorance that come from never starting at all.  That is great encouragement.  I need to hear that beginning is not always easy, but it is not God who opposes me.

I am encouraged to begin with some thought about the “state of my soul.”  Not just its ruined condition and need for renovation, but about its nature, what it is made for.  I think it tends to lie unused and unattended to because I forget what it does: provide a dwelling place for God.  Just because of this, my soul must be a great place indeed, an inward place that surpasses the outward places I live in.  Pondering such greatness within my life which is given by God can move me into prayer.  I want to ponder the question, “What do you think a room will be like which is the delight of a King so mighty, so wise, so pure and so full of all that is good?”

Without such thought my prayers may remain “just words.”  Meditation on God, his works, and his words are a great starting point for prayer because it enables me to start seeing the reality of prayer, of who I am, and of the One I am speaking with.

May God raise me from my paralysis of bad habits and my thousand preoccupations into a life of prayer so that the door to my soul might be cracked open, and the light of God spill out.