Some of the saints who had good judgment and holiness of life seemed to feel that God had counted me worthy to understand the blessed Word and that he had given me some measure of ability to express helpfully to others what I saw in it.
I could not rest unless I was exercising this gift of preaching, and I was pressed forward into it. I began to see that the Holy Spirit never intended that people who had gifts and abilities should bury them in the earth, but rather, he commanded and stirred up such people to the exercise of their gift and sent out to work those who were able and ready.
And when I saw that [those who were quickened by my preaching] were beginning to live differently, and that their hearts were eagerly pressing after the knowledge of Christ and rejoicing that God sent me to them, then I began to conclude that God had blessed his work through me. And so I rejoiced.
I preached what I felt, even under which my own poor soul groaned and trembled. Indeed, I was as one sent to them from the dead. I went myself in chains, preached to them in chains, and had in my own conscience that fire which I pleaded with them to beware of.
In my preaching I have actually been in real pain, travailing to bring forth children of God, and I have never been satisfied unless there has been some fruit. If not, it made no difference who complimented me, but if it were fruitful I did not care who might condemn me.
Sometimes I would suffer from discouragement, fearing that I would not be of any help to anyone and that I would not even be able to speak sense to the people. At such times I have had a strange faintness seize me.
Gifts are desireable, but great grace and small gifts are better than great gifts and no grace. The Bible does not say that the Lord gives gifts and glory, but that he gives grace and glory. Blessed is everyone to whom the Lord gives true grace, for that is the forerunner of glory.The fruit of the Holy Spirit is love, joy, and peace. I long after these as feelings mostly, but I have also learned to seek after them as qualities and parts of my own character as well. All this is well and good. It makes me glad that God has promised this Spirit to me for all time.
However, as much as Jesus experienced love, joy, and peace in the Holy Spirit in his life, he also experienced that this same Spirit led him to and through the cross. "How much more, then, will the blood of Christ, who through the eternal Spirit offered himself unblemished to God, cleanse our consciences from acts that lead to death, so that we may serve the living God!" (Hebrews 9:14) Although Jesus' death is entirely unique and cannot be replaced by any other act in its necessity and effectiveness, I too am to expect the Spirit to lead me to death: " If you live according to the [flesh, your natural talents and abilities and accomplishments], you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live." (Romans 8:13)
Only in this apparent dichotomy can I make sense of John Bunyan's exercise of his gift of preaching. On the one hand he says, "Gifts are desirable," but on the other hand he writes, "In my preaching, I have actually been in real pain." It seems a strange "gift" from someone that would bring pain. I might rather call it medicine at best.
The misunderstanding about the work of the Holy Spirit has led me astray, I fear. I have understood that spiritual gifts would be something that I want to do and things that I would find that I have a special talent for. I think this points to one side of experience. John Bunyan did desire to preach and have God work through him. Actually, the fact that he went through pain indicates how much he desired to preach.
Gifts from the Holy Spirit are also described as manifestations, work, and exercise in 1 Corinthians 12. Also, the primary motivation for using them is building other people up in their relationship with God. Without this motivation, gifts are not useful at all (1 Corinthians 13:1-3). So in many ways such "gift-giving" is bound to bring pain and suffering because not everyone will receive such gifts that I want to give or use them well.
For myself, I have assumed if something was unpleasant for me to do, it could not be a spiritual gift. I don't think that I assumed it would always be easy, but I was surprised that Bunyan would actually experience pain when exercising his gift. What hit me about this is that suffering may be normal when exercising a gift.
This would explain why grace is so important when using gifts of the Spirit. Without grace, I would have no hope of dealing with the suffering involved. If I only exercise my spiritual gifts when I am certain they will be received and when I am certain I will "feel good" about exercising them, then I will find I practice them rarely. Actually, I have found that I avoid using them.
One of the greatest pains of using a gift from the Spirit is that it hurts my pride. If I use such gifts with any frequency, I find that I what I put in do not match what the Spirit accomplishes. Gifts certainly take exercise, meaning work and effort, but not usually in a direct sense. What I mean is that the more the gift and the work are submitted to God and his Spirit, the more effective it becomes.
I may study and pour over the Bible in order to prepare to teach. Such effort can drive me to despair if I believe that the power of the teaching depends upon how much I study. I become frantic as I prepare because I take in all on my own shoulders, that is, I work in the flesh.
Instead, I need to find a way to submit my preparation and the teaching to God through his Spirit. This involves a regular and constant death of that frantic, worried work in the flesh. I have to let go of the results and allow room for God's grace to work in and through me. The suffering I experience is normal because it is directed at my pride.
Lord, I need to learn the practice of humble study and humble teaching. I long to direct my efforts appropriately, otherwise I get frantic and hurried. Please teach me and create in me a new heart. Amen.
I find John Bunyan must be right in saying that small gifts and great grace are preferable to great gifts and no grace. For gifts to be from the Spirit, they must have grace or they cannot be from the Spirit of grace. It is grace that makes such gifts spiritual or of the Spirit. Otherwise, they are not workings of grace, but expressions of my own talents and abilities. I believe I may suffer less as I learn to accept and anticipate grace and let go of my own pride when serving other people.
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